It has just hit exactly a year since my break up after an almost four-year relationship. It was intense, it was beautiful and terrible at the same time. Growing up in a family without the second parent and seeing that your mom is trying her best for you to have a father but yet somehow ends up making mistakes, gives you a very unstable concept of relationships. I have had a few “dads” and I remember till today that when I was a child, I thought to myself that whoever I fall in love with, I am gonna fight for because I am a not a quitter.
Little did I know that when real life comes, with actual people involved in it, it is not a first-grade math test, it is a fucking Ph.D. exam every single day.
Relationships are hard! I bet you agree with me.
I knew that the coding I have had saved in the back of my mind whilst watching my mom struggling has made me doubt relationships and doubt guys and have had trust issues, so I went for a therapy for about a year (about that one later).
And the further I was in my “mind healing” process, the more I realized that sometimes being a quitter is the right option. That I should not be stuck in a relationship trying to make it work by any means if the other person is not giving it totally 100%.
We tried and failed, we tried and failed. I cried many nights and many days, sourcing from the very back of my memories the first few weeks of our relationship to keep this shitty one still going. This is very typical for us women and again I totally want to talk about that one soon!
Many things have happened before the last call when God or Universe whatever you like gave me the final big slap, a punch I would say when I just decided to again let go of everything in here to move to another country fully.
That very same day I got a message from a girl sending me all the painful print screens with a letter saying he has been cheating for two years.
It was painful and I felt stupid for overlooking it for such a long time. I had no idea. I would have sworn and cut off my arm for him.
However, the person I am, I very soon afterward realized that this was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I cried for few nights and days and then stood up and finally the last piece of the Beast in me was born. The transformation was done.
I was strong and I was not going to let anyone rule over my life and ruin it again.
Since then, that year has been the most amazing year of my life.
We are constantly scared to be alone, to not have a partner and to try things on our own. But we don’t know what we are cutting ourselves from. I have learned so many things this past year.
If you are going through a similar scenario, don’t be frustrated, be openminded and let the new amazing exciting life in, welcome it with your full being, because this is what can happen for you too!
3 amazing things I found out after I broke up
Lonesome is awesome
You know how you can easily evaluate if your relationship is shit? That you feel a constant need to be with your spouse. It is not because you need them so much, it is because you don’t trust their free time. This is exactly what I had. I could not be alone, I developed anxiety issues and when falling asleep by myself I would have woke up in fear and panic attack thinking that I am scared of being alone which was true but the background of it was that I was scared of him being without me. Ever since 18 I have been in relationships, I barely had any moment for myself, so naturally, you develop a habit from it, thinking you should only be with someone and that lonesome equals darkness and sadness. That is how I felt. My life did not exist unless I and my ex-bf processed it together.
And then boom, of all of sudden, being alone and knowing you have to stay that way. There is no way back. I was shitting my pants from it at the beginning and first few weeks were terrible and I kept getting the anxiety attacks. But after the first month, I found peace in it. I found out that I could do anything I want. I can get home and be by myself, watch any series I want and given the nature of our feminine mind, there would be no one running in the back, thinking I should take care of him or at least call him or something.
It was just me. I had to take care of me. So I did nails and hair and nails and hair and facial and I watched Disney movies and eventually I found out that I am so comfortable with just being with myself.
I found my new strength all of a sudden because if you are totally ok just with yourself, you are the ultimate winner. It means that whoever is going to be in your life, has a real value and whoever has a less value, gets automatically eliminated.
Today, I am not going to spend a minute with someone who does not share the same values and energy as me. I literally walked out of a date saying “I had to go for an imaginary bday party” because I could not bear a minute being affected by someone who was not worthy of my time. I went just around the corner, bought a gelato and just looked at the people, finally having the date I really enjoyed.
If you fear to be alone, start with having two blocks a week only for yourself. No social media, no boyfriend, no bullshit around. Just you, babe. Do your thing and think about yourself! This is very important. Use this moment to learn about you. You can read a book while having a bubble bath and think about the paragraph about love on first sight or you can write a diary.
Also, when in a bathtub, put your head under water and meditate. What this does is it automatically reminds us of the moment we were floating in our mama’s belly. Feel the peace? Feel how you are absolutely not alone? But you have you and you have something much bigger than you around you, coming through you, living with you, loving you and caring for you. Channel this divine universe energy into you by meditating under water. Just you and your thoughts. It is beautiful, innit?
I am the wow moment
Our whole life we have this strange setting to “waiting for the right moment”. I had it too, it would come when I needed to discuss something important with my ex so I kept thinking “Hmm, this is not the right moment, the sun is not in the perfect line with the horizon and it doesn’t create yet the nice honey color on my hair, I have to wait”. See how stupid it sounds? And yet, we all do it. Even you.
The reality behind it is that you just fear saying it or doing it and you feel a pullback. So you try to find an alibi to not do it.
Coming from a small town, I always felt like I wanted to travel but I kept thinking I have to wait to make good money, I have to wait to have the perfect travel buddy, I have to wait wait wait.
In my relationship, I could have had a travel buddy but he did not want to travel that much, he simply didn’t share my travel bug, and my job salary was okay and I could have easily traveled but instead I would put money aside and kept thinking it is not enough.
And then the heartbreak came and I felt like I just lost a huge piece of my life for no real value when I could have been traveling and being myself, meeting new people and enjoying life.
So I booked my first vacation. It was with my girlfriend to Barcelona. And till today I still can channel the emotions back then. I felt such a strong pull back!
I felt like I was cheating someone. I have to laugh now.
Since that vacation, I have traveled to 15 destinations. I literally just came from Cappadocia in Turkey which was planned a week before when I went to Zurich.
I scratched off things like spending my birthday at Disneyland, walking the path of Jesuses crucifixion at Jerusalem and touching the stone in the Dome of Rock, spending few days on the top of Dachstein with no one around, hearing the prayers in the city of thousand minarets Istanbul, travelling across my beloved India, spending Christmas in beautiful Amsterdam.. I could go on.
I no longer have any pullback. I know that money can be made any time but no one will give back my time.
Every time you feel a pullback, don’t just give up on it! Analyse it and then do it if its really something you want to do. Wanna travel? You don’t need a travel buddy, there are sites like Couchsurfing or TripGiraffe to meet other like-minded people. Wanna sign up for a dancing class? Don’t wait for the perfect partner to come along, just go with open mind and excitement and the right partner will come to you! Feel like you don’t have enough money? Why instead of finding the reasons why you cannot, you focus on how much it would actually cost and how much money you need to make and then find the solutions? Life is simple, love. And your life has been given to you to be the “wow moment”.
When you get to that stage of mind that you are blown away all the time, it feels so amazing and overwhelming at the same time.
Those are the moments you will feel the most alive.
If you feel fear overpowering you, read my other article on 3 surprising insights on fear and let go of it right now!
Also, put Frank Sinatra’s I did it my way as your alarm clock!
This is me, deal with it!
This one is a big one! You know how everyone who you meet and spend time with really affects you? Well, imagine being with someone pretty much 24/7 (unless you are dating my ex who needed a lot of time for his other “hobbies”, haha). You are individual people who somehow end up coexisting together, but the truth is that you both have different background and therefore different opinions about things. You will never find a person who is identical to you and that is good of course, so you can keep bumping into little arguments and see how you feel about them. Those will form you. But the issue comes with “did I really do this or not do this, because this is what I WANT, or because HE WANTS it?”
My ex had many issues with me being so openminded about nudity (I have artistic background and always felt that a human body is a beautiful thing, but then again, it is just a body), spending time with my best friend who yes, is a 30-year-old dude, exposing, as he called it, my body and plenty more. So I started shifting naturally and before I knew it I had totally different opinions.
So naturally, the first thing I HAD TO do after our break up was to focus on which of those were actually mine that I felt comfy with and which were just the outcome of having a calm relationship.
I think that this one is actually the most essential part. I broke down every stone I built in myself while being with him and separated it to find out that yes, fuck you, I have always been an artist and I don’t mind nudity, and I don’t mind exposing my body to a certain extent when I feel comfortable. Wearing a sexy bikini now? Hell yeah, would not leave to my travels without them! But being with someone planning a baby without getting married first? Nah, that one we truly shared together.
Now a year later, I have stripped down every possible layer of my ex relationship and it is just purely naked me, feeling 100% good with myself. Saying and doing the things I love without any regrets.
I am so happy I finally took that long moment for myself to learn all this because I know that the next person who is gonna come now is going to get the real me and he will have to accept the things in which I am purely ME and not going to have them taken away again.
If you are single, take time for yourself, study yourself. Go online and find one of those long tests about yourself, ask yourself all those questions and then write them down. Then get back to the answers and see if it still feels the same. This is also good for when you find a boyfriend if he is trying to push you into something you aren’t sure how you feel about, open your diary and there is it – the pure truth. Without those pink glasses, being drunk on love. Love can vanish one day, so just stay true to yourself, love. You deserve someone who will respect you for you and love you fully, without wanting to change you.
If you are in a relationship already, do the tests as well and then see. You probably have it harder because if you are in one, your opinions might be dazzled by your love, so you have to dig in really deep and be honest with yourself.
We deserve to live as being us. Noone else. And trust me nothing has as big value as your true self. So don’t sell yourself for kisses on forehead and Friday sushi night.
Really, the biggest key to everything lays in knowing yourself. But we live in a time when we have to take care of so many other things and people. Especially us women, we tend to be the ultimate caregivers and care more about others than ourselves.
Writing a diary can be a pain, especially at the beginning of it, but the more you do it, the more you will understand you and you will become invincible.
And lastly, don’t be afraid to be single. Every phase of your life is here for a reason and it is the perfect time to learn about yourself and do the things you have always wanted to try.
Life is so short if you look at it from the perspective of Universe, but then again, Universe is offering you its divine power to manifest your dreams and enjoy your years in here as much as you can.
Ever since I broke up, I live my life every day the way that if I am gone tomorrow, I go to heaven because my soul is at peace.
This power lies only in knowledge and awareness.
Being single was the best thing that could happen to me. I cannot even believe how awesome it has been and what I managed to do. I am proud of myself, finally.
So can be you.
We have the perfect weather for it, haha.